Dear Fran,
As if we didn't have enough things to worry about in our little world, now the whole world seems to be turning politically homophobic. I often confuse this with homerphobia, which is, of course, the fear of reading greek tragedies. Should I take up this new trend, especially since I'm a Republican and I think Newt Gingritch's sister has too butch a haircut?

Signed, Homer Phobite

Dear Homey, Homer or Homo?
I always thought homerphobia was the fear of watching the Simpsons! I like to give both Republicans and Democrats equal time. I find both parties equally offensive and unreliable. Although, Newt has at least taken the guess work out of it. I know at a glance which member of the amphibian family he represents!

Fran Slanders